you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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