There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
