Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
