vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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