my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
my liver is dry heaving
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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