He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
two words...techno handjob
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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