Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Can I color on your dick again?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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