My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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