I'm lost and stupid without you.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
