I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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