Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
