Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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