Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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