he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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