If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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