There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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