i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My feet surprised me
There's even glitter on my cock...
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