My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
