The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
