Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Acid is not a monday night drug
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
