i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
