I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
