Soap is not a condiment
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
