I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
