I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
