DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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