somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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