Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
being pregnant is like rehab
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
