just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
