Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you traded sex for a burrito?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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