I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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