I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
