Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
