There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
