Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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