Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My ATM looks so different sober.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
