listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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