Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
