i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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