I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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