Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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