We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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