...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
