During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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