i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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