I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think my vagina is haunted
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
