I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
