He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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