i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
