hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
