i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize